Anxiety - why be embarrassed?
Emily is loud. Emily is an extrovert.
Emily is a liability. Emily is a loose cannon. Emily is easily lead. Emily is hilarious. Emily never let's you get a word in edge ways.
Bubbly. Funny. Wild. 🤪🤷♀️🤣
Bizarrely In my youth these were compliments.
As I age I overthink- I cringe. As my responsibility increases- my thoughts increase.
Every scenario EVER is played out in my head.
Everything I’ve ever done - good and bad 😳 being replayed - could it have worked out differently. Was that the chain of events that was meant to occur?
In my youth this was fate and destiny. No point worrying - it was meant to be.
As I age - I look back with a different perspective.
I’m told guilt is a wasted emotion. It doesn’t prevent you feeling it and worrying about feeling it.
When those close to me have offered advice (on anything!) I have second guessed it - do they have an underlying motive? Are they trying to say something different?
I’ve snapped at times. Accusing. I Know what they really mean! Aggressive in questioning their best intentions. Brushed off suggestions I should see the doctor.
I’m fine. I’ll run. I’ll stop overthinking.
Life builds up in you. Good bits and sadly the bad bits.
But then I can’t run. I might die. I think I’m going to have a brain haemorrhage. Or a stroke. My heart races.
Embarrassingly in the past I’ve had an ECG. Convinced I would die during the great north run. Why am I embarrassed?
(My heart was fine by the way)
But fast forward. My heart wakes me in the night- trying to burst out of my body. It’s pounding so fast it registers a work out on my watch.
Pressure to be the productive Emily everyone knows and expects to see - feels heavy rather than natural.
So heavy my hair hurts.
I can’t touch my head. Hot scalp. My face numb. That’s it - it must be a stroke that’ll kill me.
My heart races. I can’t run. I’ll die. My adrenaline continues in its cycle.
My life’s good. I have no reason to be anxious and foresee unrealistic disaster.
I am happy. Healthy. I’m fine. I don’t need to see a doctor. Drugs won’t work.
I’m very VERY anti drugs (I once had a panic attack after an ibuprofen and never took them again). I can’t see how anything will stop me always thinking. Thinking the worst.
Anyway- I like thinking. I like being busy. I like being productive. I know I’m hyper- that’s fine. That’s Emily. My energy is often nervous energy but who would know?
The bumbling crap that spills out of my mouth - nervous chat- filling the silence. Who would know? wishing I could swallow words back up. Embarrassed.
But the head pain. The numb face. Rushes of pins and needles. The inability to actually function forced me to ring the doctor without anyone’s suggestion.
It took two attempts (long story- fricken doctors secretary’s) but eventually I seen the most fabulous doctor. Probably years too late - but better late than never.
I looked a mess. I wondered what I’d say.
Bumbling crap no doubt. I cried. I couldn’t brush my hair. It hurt. I was embarrassed.
Hot and Sweaty. Why was I embarrassed?
I told the truth. I needed help. I didn’t have time to talk to a counsellor- I'm busy. I’m always right - I know what’s wrong. I’ve googled it. I’m open to the drugs - thank you. 👍
I took one.
I call them my “f**k it” pills.
Instantly the things that mattered to me that really shouldn’t were no longer problems. Perspective arrived. Clarity arrived. Life slowed down.
My productivity remained productive. I actually was more productive as I could think. The kids instantly relaxed. My husband relaxed. I let the little things go.
The house became calm. I stopped cleaning my floor like a maniac - which I’ve done every night since forever. It could wait. The kids story time couldn’t- I could actually hear the words I was reading!
After time my head pain eased. Tension in my jaw and teeth released. Numbness and tingling stopped. Believe it or not I could brush my hair (it’s a choice not to now!)
The calmer feeling took time to get used to. Felt I wasn’t myself. But I could run again, my heart stopped racing. (Except at the top of a hill)
A new me. A better version of myself.
I suddenly realised I should have gone to the doctor sooner. Anti drugs or not. These drugs do work. My biggest worry now is that the doctor will stop them 🤣
I’m being honest now. I’ve been taking anxiety medication for approx 1 year- and I started my blog! (not concerned over what others would think!)
I’m being honest because other than those super close to me- no one would expect this of me.
I’m being honest now and not embarrassed because I feel relieved that this happened before lock down. If you feel anxious now. If lock down is pushing you over the edge.
Don’t be embarrassed. Seek help. Talk to a doctor. Talk to a friend. Or Private message me.
I’m enjoying life more than I knew possible as anxiety had me by the hand. I’m free and positive and making my own way- head and hands free.
Remember to be kind always. X